Diary entry, biology lesson, a lame attempt at original fiction that will have to be stripped apart entirely and put back together but I don’t know, I hardly ever journal at LJ any more and I wanted to share so nyah my blog my rules hokay.
Sometimes the nights seem darker than others, and that darkness has weight and you lie in bed and watch the shadows pass over the ceiling, see them form shapes of things that aren’t really there and the weight presses on your chest and you think even the stars might be dead and that one day you will be nothing and it hollows you, suffocates you. You’re lonely and you’re afraid.
But when you think about it, all the matter in the universe is old, has been changing states since day one. And we don’t yet know if the big bang was our past or if it is our future. But everything that makes us what we are is there, in equations, under microscopes or through telescopes. We are our DNA, stacked bases, ordered sets that form genes, with microscopic translators that run along that ancient language and create life, proteins, ion currents, action potentials. It starts at skin, beneath it muscle, and coursing blood. Your heart beats because there is a team of cells that intrinsically know how to beat, because proteins are little tiny hands that grab each other and hold on for dear life in the presence of calcium, because they know when to hold on and when to let go. They are muscle, and form an organ that is hollow, so maybe that is why sometimes your chest feels hollow. But your heart knows how to fist, how to tighten, how to push against the cage of your ribs. It allows things to travel, feeds your brain all the things it needs. And beneath that hard bone of your skull there are cells that reach out to each other, ions that flux, and together they carry messages. Your neurons are a team. They pass that message on and eventually, they talk to all of your body, convince it to work, to walk, to talk, to think, to sleep.
We are big and we are small, so small. There are always smaller building blocks, cells become macromolecules become molecules become atoms become electrons and protons and neutrons become quarks become… the space in between all things. Nothing.
(Maybe being nothing won’t be so bad.)
There is beauty in it and there is pain, and sometimes they are the same, exquisite.
